Memories
by Ilyusha
Summary: Slash:RemusxSirius.  Remus reads through his diary... and relives some old memories...  Written a few years ago and only just now being posted here... procrastinate much?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Warnings: Few minor spoilers for Half Blood Prince, but nothing noticeable.  
Authors Note: This was written fairly quickly. And I guess it's pretty random. Could be part of a series, but I doubt it… we'll see where the muse leads maybe.  
Written several years ago... only just getting round to putting it up here... procrastinate much?  
Feedback makes friends.

* * *

_I don't quite know how it happened. I don't even know when it happened. All I know is that it happened and I have to deal with it.  
I can't tell him. It would only serve to break our friendship apart. And I'm grateful for our friendship. It's one of the only things that keeps me going. If I didn't have our friendship, I might just as well ask Severus to try out one of those curses he keeps creating on me.  
He's lying across from me now as I write this. I wonder what he would think if he knew I was writing about him? He'd probably laugh and tell me to go bury my nose in another book. He's like that.  
It's so quiet I can hear him breathing. He's snoring slightly, which to anyone else would probably be irritating. Yet I find it endearing. I can see that lock of hair falling onto his forehead in the moonlight. It's taking all my willpower to continue writing and not go across and brush it out of his eyes.  
It's close. We started planning our next adventure this afternoon. We're sure there's another way down into Hogsmeade. Peter said he saw a trapdoor in Honeydukes' cellar and the other rats said it led to the castle. I told James I wasn't sure. That someone would notice us all creeping into Honeydukes' cellar. But he laughed at me and said I was just worried about getting into trouble and ruining my goody-boy reputation. Sirius actually agreed with me. I couldn't believe it. He normally agrees with James, but I can't read too much into it. Although... he has been sitting close to me in the common room lately. But maybe that's because it's getting colder. Oh - he's waking up ----_

"Moony, you're not doing more homework are you?"  
"I'm just writing Sirius, go back to sleep."  
"Awww, is Moony writing love letters? That girl from Ravenclaw was looking at you again at dinner."  
"Shut up Padfoot!"  
"All right, all right." Sirius yawned and turned over, quickly falling asleep again.  
"That was close." breathed Remus, listening to Sirius' slow, regular breathing. He hid the diary away in his bottom drawer and lay down, staring out of the window. In a few days they would be out, running free under the full moon. Strange that he found himself looking forward to such a dangerous time. He put that thought out of his head and closed his eyes, knowing that sleep would eventually claim him.

"OOOFF!"  
"Wake up Moony, or we'll be late for breakfast." Remus opened his eyes and threw the pillow back at Sirius.  
"Well I'm awake now." he groused good-naturedly, deciding not to get out of bed quite yet. Sirius was dressed just in a pair of trousers and kneeling down, searching for one of his shoes under his bed. From where Remus was lying, he had quite a nice view of Sirius' -  
"OOOFF!"  
"Stop staring at him Moony and get up. We've got Potions first thing remember?" Remus threw the pillow back at James and glared at him.  
"I wasn't staring!" he said, hoping he didn't actually sound as guilty as he felt. The look on James' face told him he hadn't been successful. He ducked his head as his face warmed, pulling on his socks and shoes instead.  
He followed James out of the portrait hole, trying to ignore the looks he was being given.  
"I thought you liked that girl from Ravenclaw, Remus?"  
"Kiera? We're just friends James. Just friends."  
"But you fancy him, don't you?"  
"I do not fancy..." he started to reply hotly, breaking off as Sirius stepped through the portrait hole.  
"Who don't you fancy Moony?"  
"He fancies you Padfoot."  
"Get off it Prongs!" Sirius said, punching James playfully on the arm. Remus felt his heart sink a little lower.

Potions was the disaster it always was. Remus had never been very good at making potions. They made their way out of the dungeon and into the relative warmth of the corridor.  
"Snivellus." muttered Sirius as they stood waiting for Peter. James turned, a feral grin on his face and reached into his pocket. Remus grabbed hold of his arm.  
"Not in the corridor James." James pulled his arm away and watched as Severus Snape slunk past, reading his potions book, quill in hand.  
"You got lucky Snivellus!" Sirius called after him. Severus jumped as though he'd been burnt, staring at them before hurrying off.  
"You're such a killjoy Moony. He wasn't even looking." Remus shrugged and marched up the corridor, not waiting to see if they followed him.

"So what are we going to do tomorrow night?" Peter asked. The four of them were sitting in the common room. It was late evening and they were the only ones left in there.  
"Well, Moony doesn't think it would be a good idea to do Honeydukes..."  
"He's right Prongs. I think a werewolf, a stag and a dog might be noticed breaking into their cellar."  
"Don't forget about me!" whined Peter.  
"Wormtail, they're not going to notice a rat." James said scathingly.  
"What about the Forbidden Forest?" Remus suggested.  
"Good idea Moony." Sirius said. Remus practically beamed. "We haven't done all the Forest yet. And we want this map to be a complete map." James nodded.  
"The Forest it is then. It's not too far from the Willow either, so we'll have lots of time."  
"We'll wait in the usual spot then Remus, and come down after Madam Pomfrey's come back up." Remus nodded and sighed.  
"I'm glad you lot look forward to full moon." he commented wryly.  
"Oh come on Moony, you must admit it's fun, running around at night knowing that no one knows we're there?" Sirius winked at him, and Remus couldn't help but smile.

_We're going to go into the Forest again tomorrow night. I like the Forest - you can't see the moon too clearly through the trees.  
He defended me again. Though he didn't look happy this morning when James told him I fancied him. Am I that obvious? How can James see so clearly what I've only just realised? I think I must have a sign over my head saying 'Remus loves Sirius'_

"Remus loves Sirius." he muttered, tracing the words he'd just written.  
"What did you say Moony?" Remus looked up. Sirius was sitting up in bed, staring at him intently. Remus felt his heart skip a beat.  
"N... nothing Sirius. Go back to sleep." Sirius stayed exactly where he was. Remus couldn't tear his eyes away.  
"Is what Prongs said this morning true, Moony?" he asked softly, his voice carrying across the dormitory. Remus put his quill down and stared at his diary.  
"If it was...?" he whispered, not looking up, not daring to meet Sirius' eyes. The bed dipped and he looked up, straight into Sirius' eyes. He could see them shining in the moonlight.  
"Moony?"  
"Sirius..."  
"It's true isn't it?" Remus opened his mouth to deny it, but found he couldn't. He dropped his head and nodded.  
"Yes." he said in barely more than a whisper. He flinched as he felt Sirius move closer to him.  
"Go to sleep Moony. We've got a busy night tomorrow." Sirius said softly, squeezing Remus' hand briefly before returning to his own bed and drawing the curtains.  
Remus sat there in shock. Sirius had held his hand.  
'But he didn't say anything when you said Yes' a nagging voice said in the back of his mind. He shook his head, put his diary away and curled up, surrendering himself to a troubled sleep.

He hated full moon. He enjoyed running around the grounds and village with his friends. He just wished it didn't come at such a painful price.  
Evening came and he went quietly as Madam Pomfrey led him down to the Whomping Willow. She watched as he made his way down the tunnel before turning and heading back up to the castle.  
In the darkness, Sirius nudged James.  
"She's gone. It's almost time." They always waiting until just after Remus had transformed before entering the Shrieking Shack. It was safer, as they had found out one full moon. Remus was always disorientated for a few minutes after transforming, and one night while they waited in animal form as he transformed, he had attacked. Sirius still bore the scar across his chest.

James nodded.  
"Let's go." Under the cover of James' invisibility cloak, they made their way down into the tunnel, listening closely for any sounds. Presently, they could hear scraping and screaming.  
"I hate hearing him transform." muttered Sirius.  
"I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish it was as easy for him to transform as it is for us. Then we wouldn't have to wait a month between each map session." James grinned.  
"Come on." Sirius ran up the tunnel. By the time he reached the shack, he was a dog. The wolf lifted its head and sniffed before growling. The dog rolled over onto its back and the wolf nudged him. They were ready for their adventure.

_We barely managed to avoid the centaurs. I think they knew what we were. Or at least, what I was. I got a few new scars I think before Sirius distracted them. James managed to get me away and I think I managed to explain the hoof print on my side to Madam Pomfrey.  
I wonder if this will carry on after we leave Hogwarts? James and Sirius are going to rent a place together and Sirius said I was more than welcome to join them. I don't know how much I'll be able to contribute though. I think it's going to be hard for me to find a job._

Remus limped through the portrait hole to be greeted by the concerned eyes of Sirius.  
"How are you Moony?"  
"I'll live Sirius." He winced as he sat down in one of the arm chairs in front of the fire. Sirius came and sat at his feet. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Maybe it was a dog thing. Without thinking, Remus reached down and entangled his fingers in Sirius' hair.  
"Thanks for rescuing me."  
"I'd always rescue you Moony." Sirius replied, leaning back against Remus' legs. "Besides, remember that time you stopped me being gored by that unicorn?" Remus smiled.  
"That was interesting afterwards, trying to explain to everyone why you were moving so carefully."  
"Mmm..." Sirius said noncommittally. "You always do things carefully don't you Moony?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean about what we talked about last night."  
"Oh..."  
"I'm not upset Moony."  
"Right..."  
"I don't mind Moony."  
"Of course not..."  
"Love you too Moony."  
"Oh..."

Sirius turned and knelt up, leaning toward Remus; one hand bracing himself on the arm of the chair, the other cupping Remus' cheek. Then he kissed him.

_HE KISSED ME!_

Remus put down the diary and smiled. He wasn't one for dwelling on the past, but sometimes it was nice to relieve happier times. Tucking the diary into his pocket, he stood up quietly and looked around.  
12 Grimmauld Place was just the same as it had been a week ago. He could make out the rasping breathing of Mrs Black's portrait from behind her curtains.  
He'd come to pick up a few things before the Order finally left. He picked up the bag at the foot of the stairs and quietly made his way out.  
He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.

* * *

Yeah, I so fail at formatting this... sorry... 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Warnings: Spoiler for Prisoner of Azkaban.  
Authors Note: Written rather quickly again, and likely to still be fairly random. But then, the mind is a random thing :) _Italics_ are diary entries.  
Feedback makes friends.

_

* * *

_

_It's out now. I think everyone must know._

"I'm glad that's over." Remus slumped against the wall. Sirius ruffled his hair affectionately.  
"It wasn't that bad Moony."  
"It's all right for you Sirius, everything bounces off you." Sirius shrugged.  
"I can't help it Moony. Besides…" he leant closer to Remus. "I don't care who knows how I feel about you." He breathed into Remus' ear, smiling as he felt a shiver run through Remus.  
"I don't –" Remus paused, suddenly aware he was speaking too loudly. He continued in more of a whisper. "I don't care either. But did you see the looks Severus was giving me?" Sirius stepped back slightly and looked thoughtful.  
"Snivellus was giving you the eye?" he asked in a clipped voice. "I'll fix that."  
Before Remus could say anything to stop him, Sirius had turned on his heel and stalked up the corridor.  
"Oh no… what's he going to do?" Remus muttered to himself before hurrying after Sirius.

_Did I say how much I hated full moon?  
Well, I hate full moon. And this one was the worst yet.  
And it was all because of Sirius.  
And Severus.  
I ache so much.  
When Sirius said he was going after Severus, I thought he was just going to hex him or curse him. I never dreamed he would do that. If it wasn't for James, I wouldn't be at Hogwarts still. And neither would Severus.  
Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to trick Severus into following me down the tunnel?  
I could have killed him.  
And I would have done had he reached the shack. It was horrible. I could smell the fear once he realised what was going on. What I was. He's not going to forget that easily._

"Don't pretend you're sorry Sirius!"  
"But I am."  
"You meant for me to kill him!" Sirius blanched.  
"I… I didn't. I just wanted to teach him a lesson."  
"No, you weren't going to teach him anything. I would have! It's just lucky James found out."  
"What do you want me to say Moony?"  
"I don't want you to say anything Sirius. Or do anything." He added as Sirius moved towards him. "I'm going to bed." He stormed off up the stairs leaving Sirius standing in the deserted common room.

"Remus, you know why he did it."  
"I really don't want to hear this Lily." Remus glanced up at her before returning to his book. Lily sat down next to him undeterred and continued.  
"He was jealous Remus." That got Remus' attention.  
"Jealous? He knows how I feel about him."  
"Jealous of Severus. Look at it from his point of view. You've not long told each other how you feel and then you say that Severus is looking at you."  
"He's jealous of Severus?" Lily nodded. "But I didn't… I mean I wouldn't…"  
"I know Remus." Lily interrupted. "And so does Sirius if he really thinks about it. You two need to have a serious talk."  
"Have you ever tried talking to Sirius about serious stuff Lily?" Remus asked wryly. She laughed.

_Jealousy is a strange thing. I know I'm jealous of Lily and James. They can show how they feel. People don't mind seeing them kiss in the corridors. But if me and Sirius did – well, that's different.  
We walked for hours this evening. Walking and talking. I can understand now why he did that. I don't agree with it. But I understand it.  
Professor Dumbledore swore Severus to secrecy about me. Which means I can stay here without anyone worrying.  
We talked about a lot of things. We are going to move in together once we finish. It's not too long to go now, and Sirius says we can finally do what we want to do. We'll just kick Lily and James out of the house for the evening he says. He does make me smile. He also makes me feel a lot of things I never thought I'd feel. Being a werewolf has its drawbacks. Once people find out, they're scared of you. But Sirius isn't.  
And I love him for it._

"Mmmr?"  
"Morning Moony." Remus opened one eye to find Sirius hovering over him.  
"That's better than being woken by a pillow."  
"I'll wake you like that every morning Moony. Now get up, it's Potions this morning." Remus groaned.  
"Can't you hex me or something so I don't have to go?"  
"You can't avoid him forever Moony."  
"I can try." Sirius let out a bark of laughter and kissed him again.  
"Get up Moony."  
"I am up!" Remus called, throwing his pillow at Sirius' retreating back.

Potions wasn't quite the disaster he had expected it to be. Severus had studiously avoided him all lesson, not even daring to look at him. Remus felt slightly unnerved by it, but it was better than being stared at he supposed.

"So what subject do you want to take for your NEWTS?" Peter asked anxiously, pouring over the careers leaflets they'd been given.  
"I'm dropping Potions." Remus said immediately. They all laughed.  
"I don't know what I'm going to take." Whined Peter.  
"Wormtail, we know that you'll take whatever James is taking." Sirius smirked. "I'm definitely keeping Defence Against the Dark Arts."  
"That's only because you want to know more curses to use against Snivellus." James laughed. "What are you going to take Remus?"  
"I thought maybe Care of Magical Creatures." Said Remus, reading a vivid green leaflet.  
"I'd have thought Padfoot would need to take that too. No, wait… he already knows how to take care of certain magical creatures." Remus blushed while everyone else laughed.  
"You are going to win against Slytherin tomorrow, right Prongs?" Sirius asked. He still wanted to humiliate Severus Snape, but had settled for safer ways of doing it.  
"'Course we will Padfoot. It was a good practise today."

Gryffindor did beat Slytherin, by 640 to 30. Sirius was more than satisfied, as was the rest of Gryffindor House. The celebrations lasted late into the evening.  
Sirius pulled Remus to one side.  
"Come on, the dormitory's empty." He winked. Remus blushed and followed him up the stairs. They had few precious moments alone together, and took every chance they could. They never did much, just lay there together, talking, kissing and simply enjoying each other's company. They had both decide they weren't ready to take things any further. They had the rest of their lives for that Sirius had said.

_Gryffindor won against Slytherin.  
We managed to sneak away from everyone again and get some time to ourselves. We're not going to do anything. We don't want to do that, not yet anyway. I just like lying there in his arms. We talk about anything and nothing. The future and the past. Us._

Remus put the diary down and gulped down his Firewhiskey.  
"Things change." He muttered to himself, reaching for the bottle to refill his glass. They hadn't talked much when they found each other again. Sirius wasn't the person he had been before Azkaban. He was quieter, more withdrawn. They'd still had their quiet moments together. But they were quieter than before. Sirius didn't talk about his emotions as freely. Almost as though he'd shut them off. But what he didn't tell Remus, he had shown him.  
Passionately.  
Remus felt himself blushing at one of the more vivid memories that sprang to mind. He looked at the picture on the table. It was of him and Sirius, taken many years ago. He watched himself gaze adoringly up at Sirius. In response, the Sirius in the photo pulled him a little closer. Remus smiled.  
It was hard, there was no denying it.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Okay, so I was out on the bike… and I started thinking… there tends to be little else to do on the back of a bike. Did Remus ever go on Sirius' bike? This is what came out. I think it's funny… I only hope you do too! _Italics_ are diary entries.  
Feedback makes friends.

_

* * *

_

_I am NEVER doing that again!_

"Sirius, I really don't think this is a good idea."  
"Oh, come on Moony, it'll be fun. We haven't been out together in ages."  
"But… but…"  
"You have a very nice butt Moony, now come on!" Sirius dragged a reluctant Remus through the front door.  
"There she is. Beautiful!" Remus stared apprehensively at the big black motorbike sitting on the driveway.  
"Sirius…" he turned to try and talk his way out of this before he realised Sirius wasn't standing next to him anymore.  
"Hop on Remus." Sirius was sitting on the bike, patting the rear seat expectantly. He looked so happy and eager; Remus found that he couldn't deny him this. He sighed and climbed up behind Sirius.  
"Let me show you what this baby can do Moony!" He revved the engine and they sped off into the night, Remus holding on to Sirius very tightly, face buried in his back. He was proud that he hadn't screamed.

_He spends so much time with that bike, cleaning it, polishing it, fiddling with it. He's been trying to get me out on it for ages. Actually, he's just been trying to get me out of the house for ages. I still haven't found any work. People just don't want to hire a werewolf.  
But I am not going out on that thing again._

Remus had to agree; it was quite exhilarating riding down the deserted roads. He could feel the wind in his hair. It took him back to full moon when they used to run and play under the moonlight. Except he could see then. He didn't have the nerve to open his eyes now, and his tight grip on Sirius hadn't lessened. Not that Sirius was complaining.  
"Like it Moony?" Sirius shouted to make himself heard above the engine and the wind.  
"Ah…" He wasn't quite sure how to answer that. He didn't dislike it. But then, he wouldn't have said he was loving it either.  
Then it felt like his heart stopped.

He felt like he was flying. Opening his eyes a crack, he peered over Sirius' shoulder.  
Then wished he hadn't.  
"Erm… Sirius?"  
"Moony?"  
"We're… flying!"  
"I know! Arthur Weasley helped me out. Isn't it great?"  
"WEREWOLVES DON'T FLY!"

As soon as Sirius landed the bike, Remus flung himself off it and onto the ground.  
"Warn me before you do something like that to me!"  
"If I'd told you Moony, you wouldn't have come." Remus smiled wryly. That was certainly true. He got slowly to his feet.  
"I need a drink."

_He made it up to me last night. And he's promised that if I ever agree to go on that thing again, he won't make it fly.  
James laughed so much when Sirius told him. I could hear them from upstairs. If I could have moved, I would have gone down and said something. But I think Sirius melted every bone in my body.  
We may have waited a long time to 'do it' but it was worth the wait._

Remus laughed so hard he started coughing. Clutching his ribs in pain, he calmed himself down. He'd never gotten back on the bike, but Sirius hadn't minded too much.  
Now however, he'd have given anything to climb on that bike behind Sirius.  
But he couldn't.  
He sighed softly and picked up his diary again.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Right… we've had the fluff… we've had the angst… we've had the humor(?). It's only fair to let the smut make an appearance ;)  
Just bear in mind, I get horribly embarrassed writing this sort of thing blushes _Italics_ are diary entries.  
Feedback makes friends.

_

* * *

_

_The things that man can do with his hands. And his tongue. And his –  
He can make my knees go weak just by looking at me. I love his eyes. I can see the love I have for him reflected back at me.  
And his body. Thinking about his body could keep me occupied for hours. And I like being occupied with his body!_

Remus woke early that morning, his muscles screaming in protest as he tried to stretch. The warm body behind him stopped him stretching fully. That and the erection pressed against his thigh.  
"Good morning Sirius." He murmured affectionately, leaning back against Sirius. He was rewarded with a nuzzle against his neck.  
"Mornin' Moony." Sirius mumbled, his voice thick with sleep. He draped an arm over Remus pulling him closer, still nuzzling his neck. "How you feeling?"  
"I'm feeling… ah… fine." Remus' voice hitched as Sirius' fingers drew light circles across his chest, brushing his nipples.  
"Oh good." Sirius said, moving his hand lower and nibbling on Remus' ear. Remus arched back as Sirius' hand found what it was searching for, and he let out a moan.  
"Much much better than being woken with a kiss." He murmured huskily.  
"Or a pillow?" Sirius reminded him cheekily, rolling Remus over on to his back. Remus smiled up at him before entangling his fingers in Sirius' hair and pulling him down for a kiss.  
When they eventually broke apart, desperate for air, Sirius smiled fondly down at Remus.  
"How do you feel Moony?" he asked with concern.  
"Like I normally do after full moon Sirius." Remus replied, turning on his side to face Sirius and wincing. "I ache all over."  
Sirius unabashedly raked his eyes over Remus' lithe form, carefully cataloguing the new scratches and bruises.  
"It's not as bad as it looks Sirius. I've looked worse."  
"Still feel good though." Sirius countered softly. Remus laughed.  
"Maybe we should do that every full moon then."  
"My pleasure!" Sirius lowered his head and claimed Remus' mouth in a searing kiss. Remus pulled him closer, one hand slowly moving across Sirius' chest. Sirius pressed down closer, his lips tracing a trail down Remus' neck, revelling in the harsh breathing his ministrations were producing. Remus twisted, trying to get more bodily contact with Sirius.  
Who promptly propped himself up on his arms, grinning wickedly.  
"Tease!" Remus admonished quietly, admiring the way the muscles rippled across Sirius' chest as he reached for the bottle of oil they kept in the nightstand.  
"So are you." Sirius retorted. Remus giggled and pulled him down for another kiss.  
"Then let's stop teasing each other."  
"Mmmm…" Sirius propped himself back up and opened the bottle, letting the oil trickle slowly across Remus' chest. He hissed as the oil found its way into fresh cuts, clenching against the pain. He relaxed when Sirius' hands smoothed over his chest, toying with his nipples and vanishing the pain as though he'd spelled it away. Remus murmured soft and low, thrusting up as Sirius' hands trailed across his hips. He moaned again as lips replaced fingers, tracing a course closer and closer.  
When Sirius' mouth finally enveloped him, he couldn't help but cry out. He continued thrusting into Sirius' mouth until hands on his hips stopped him. He opened his eyes in time to see Sirius licking his lips before pouring more oil onto his hands. Remus shifted slightly, opening his legs to allow Sirius better access. He arched in a silent gasp as he felt the first touch. Any feelings of discomfort were soon driving from his mind and he writhed wantonly under Sirius.  
He moaned his disappointment as Sirius withdrew. Gentle hands on his shoulders rolled him onto his side.  
"More comfortable for you." He heard Sirius whisper. Had he wanted to reply, he wouldn't have been able to form the words, fogged in a cloud of pleasure as he was.  
Warm breath against his neck signalled Sirius curling up behind him. A shiver ran down his spine as he pressed back against Sirius, the coolness of the oil contrasting with the heat of Sirius' erection.  
Continuing to push back, he was rewarded with a soft gasp from Sirius as they finally made contact. He echoed the gasp moments later as Sirius' hand found its way back to his own matching erection.  
Slowly Sirius entered him, trying not to cause any more pain. Inch by inch he was being filled and enjoying every second. Once he was completely in Sirius paused, allowing Remus to get used to the sensation before beginning a slow thrusting rhythm. Timing his thrusts with the pumping of Remus' erection had them both moaning in pleasure, breathing confessions of love between thrusts.  
Remus cried Sirius' name as he came, pushing back against his lover, savoring the waves of pleasure washing through him.  
A final thrust and Sirius was coming too, arms wrapped around Remus' chest, breathing his name.

They lay there for long moments, each too exhausted and saited to move.  
"Love you Moony."  
"Love you Sirius."

Remus lay there, his breath coming in ragged gasps. He could feel Sirius' hands on his body. He could smell and taste the sweat in the air. Thrusting shallowly he came, Sirius' name on his lips.  
He opened his eyes and blinked, his brain not registering for long seconds that Sirius wasn't there.  
"Love you Sirius." He murmured to the empty room, a tear trickling down his cheek. He almost swore he could hear Sirius echoing him with a 'Love you Moony.'

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Not much to say really… read and enjoy! Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

_

* * *

_

_We got to see Sirius' godson today. I don't think I've ever managed to make Sirius melt the way he did when he saw Harry for the first time._

"Here he is, the newest member of the Potter family." James announced proudly as he answered the door, smiling down at the bundle of blankets in his arms. Remus smiled and sat down gingerly. He looked as exhausted as Lily did, and they gave each other a sympathetic grin.  
"Can I hold him Prongs?" Sirius asked eagerly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.  
"Sure Padfoot, he's your godson after all." James carefully handed the bundle of blankets over to him. Sirius pulled down the edge of one blanket to be confronted by vivid green eyes staring back up at him. He let out a soft 'Oh'.  
"He's got your eyes Lily." He said, staring back at the tiny baby.  
Which then proceeded to screw up its vivid green eyes and let out a piercing wail.  
Remus laughed at the look of shock on Sirius' face.

_He's going to dote on that boy… once he figures out how to keep him quiet!_

Remus stopped laughing as soon as Sirius thrust the screaming infant into his arms. The fact that Harry soon quieted down and started gurgling happily earned him a reproachful glare from Sirius. Lily laughed quietly.  
"I think he likes you Remus."  
"Well, at least he's got good taste then." Sirius huffed good-naturedly, making everyone laugh. Except Harry who started crying again. Remus held the crying infant away from him, relieved when Sirius took hold of him again. Sirius smiled broadly as Harry stopped crying, reaching up with one small hand to grab at Sirius' hair. Sirius' smile turned into a grimace of pain as he tried to untangle Harry's hand from his hair.  
"Told you your hair was getting long Sirius." Smirked Remus.  
"Shut up Moony."

_Lily was exhausted, so we didn't stay too long. But we did promise to come back. And Sirius has offered our services as babysitters whenever Lily and James want._

As soon as they got home, Remus apologised.  
"I'm sorry Sirius." He said softly. Sirius turned to face him, confusion in his eyes.  
"What you sorry for Moony?"  
"I saw how you were with Harry." He said by way of explanation, lowering himself into a nearby chair. Sirius knelt down in front of him.  
"The kid's my godson Moony."  
"I know. It's just that we…" he took a deep breath. "… we'll never have that." He almost jumped in surprise as Sirius barked with laughter.  
"Is that what you're apologising for Moony? That we can't have kids?" Remus nodded, suddenly feeling a little ridiculous.  
"Moony, I love you. You hear me? You!" he said earnestly, taking Remus' hand in his own. "It doesn't matter that we can never have kids. In fact, I'm glad we can't. Means I can have you all to myself."  
"But you looked so happy when you held him."  
"I don't deny that I was. But that doesn't mean I want kids of my own. I like being able to hand them back at the end of the day." He winked at Remus and rubbed the back of his hand.  
"Really?" Remus asked, hating how needy he sounded.  
"Really." Sirius nodded. "Besides if we had kids, I wouldn't be able to do this." He knelt up and kissed Remus, fingers busily undoing the buttons on his shirt.  
"Bedroom…" said Remus breathlessly, arching as Sirius' mouth found one of his nipples.  
"Nuhuh." Sirius shook his head, tickling Remus' chest with his hair as he did. "Advantage of not having kids!" he grinned, resuming his assault on Remus' body.

_He didn't laugh at me when I apologised. Instead, he showed me how much he loved me.  
And how much more fun it is without kids!_

Remus stared into the fire, remembering the intense look of happiness on Sirius' face as he'd held Harry.  
And the intense love-making sessions that had taken place afterwards in the lounge.  
And the kitchen.  
And the garden.  
He laughed out loud, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: This one doesn't quite follow the same 'theme' as the others. But no matter how many times I went back to rewrite it, it never had the same effect as the original one. So you'll just have to put up with it ;)  
Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_I hate Sirius Black!  
I can't believe he could do that.  
I can't believe that he would betray Lily and James.  
Betray us.  
Betray me…_

Remus was whining and he hated himself for it.  
"You can't leave tonight."  
"I have to Moony. I'm sorry. I need to check on Prongs." There was a tone of urgency in Sirius' voice.  
"But what about me?" He lay on the bed, watching Sirius get ready to leave.  
"I'm sorry Moony. If there was any other way. I hate leaving you like this, believe me." He knelt down beside the bed and carefully held Remus' hand, mindful of the bandages.  
"I'll be back before you know it Moony. Love you." He kissed the tips of Remus' fingers and left, not looking back.

Remus woke to the sound of someone knocking frantically at the door. He heaved himself out of bed and limped to the door.  
"Sirius?"  
"Remus! Where's Sirius?" Remus leant on the doorframe, holding himself up.  
"He's not here Elphias." He said tiredly. "Can I help?" he asked, wishing Elphias Doge would just go away and leave him alone. That or turn into Sirius Black.  
"It's James and Lily… Remus… Voldemort… they're dead Remus." Remus slumped against the wall.  
"NO!" he cried hoarsely.

The following day was a blur. No one had any news on Sirius. Not since that night. Albus Dumbledore had Harry delivered to his aunt and uncle's, believing him to be safe there. Rubeus Hagrid had taken him there on Sirius' motorbike. So Remus knew that he had at least been at Lily and James'.  
But where was he now?  
Sick with worry, paralysed with fear, aching for revenge and still recovering from injuries sustained in a fight with Death Eaters a few days previously, Remus did all he could to try and find his lover.  
But someone else found him first.

_Peter found him first. He did what I would have done. Only I would have succeeded.  
I would have killed him!  
But Peter never was very good at duelling. Sirius blew him and half the street apart.  
For what he did, I hope the Dementors perform the Kiss._

Remus put his diary down. He couldn't bear reading anymore just now.  
Tears blurred his vision and he covered his face with his hands and wept.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Warnings: Major spoilers for Prisoner of Azkaban.  
Authors Note: Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_Professor Dumbledore came to see me last night. He wants to help me. He's offered me a job._

Remus was the first to board the train. He found an empty compartment and settled himself in the corner, wrapped up in his cloak. He still felt the lingering aches and pains from full moon and was exhausted. He slept soundly, barely rousing when the door was slid open and people entered his compartment. Even the train lurching to a stop failed to wake him fully.  
It was the sinking dark feeling of dread and despair that woke him up.

_First day in the job and I have to repel a Dementor. I guess that's to be expected. Sirius Black escaped a few weeks ago. I heard about it from Professor Dumbledore himself. He came to see me the very night it happened. That was when he first mentioned the job. He'd been keeping an eye on me for twelve years. He knew I'd travelled and had the experience he said. Defence Against the Dark Arts professor he said.  
Sirius would have laughed and said it was perfect for me.  
Sirius. _

He's probably the reason I have the job. Dumbledore said I would be safe at Hogwarts. Do they think Sirius is going to come after me? 

Remus stared around his office, his meagre possessions now scattered everywhere. It felt strange to be back here. Albus Dumbledore had just left after bringing him up to date on recent events. Without thinking, he pulled out his diary.

_Voldemort is getting stronger. Apparently, they're saying that's the reason Sirius broke out of Azkaban. To return to his master. How is it you can live with someone for so long and not know where their loyalties truly lie?  
It's taken me twelve years and I still can't understand why he did it.  
I'm glad Harry survived. He's so much like his father. James would have been so proud. But his eyes, the green… it's Lily. They're Lily's eyes. It hurts seeing him. A living reminder of what I've lost._

"Well class, I think that's enough for today." Remus said as brightly as he could. He watched as the third years filed out of the staff room, chattering animatedly about how they'd each defeated their Boggart. Harry lingered behind as though he was waiting to ask a question. Remus ignored him, fairly sure what he was going to ask and not prepared to answer it yet.  
The Boggart when he faced it had drained him more than he thought it would. For a fleeting moment, he thought it would turn into Sirius. There had been a definite human form before the orb had appeared, but he left the staffroom ahead of Harry, convincing himself it was his mind playing tricks; a residual image of Harry's Boggart, nothing more.

_One of the advantages of being back here is the Wolfsbane Potion. Professor Dumbledore has ordered Severus to make it for me. He still hasn't forgiven me, and I don't blame him. But at least I'm safe taking the potion. It still hurts, but I'm not dangerous. Just a harmless old wolf.  
Although Severus still maintains I'm going to help Sirius into the castle. There are fears he's after Harry. Harry wants me to help him battle the Dementors. They affect him badly, which given the horrors he has suffered is hardly surprising._

Three slabs of chocolate later and Harry had produced a weak Patronus.  
"Very good Harry." Remus said encouragingly, handing him a particularly large slab of chocolate. "Eat all that before you go." He lowered himself wearily down to the floor next to Harry, both of them staring at the chest holding the Boggart. He nibbled a bit of chocolate himself, thinking about his own Patronus and the memory he used to conjure it. There was once a time when it had been a memory of Sirius. Well, that was a lie; it was still Sirius that occupied his thoughts, only now instead of the bright images that filled his mind, it was now Sirius cowering with fear as Remus delivered the final curse.  
Remus shook his head to rid himself of the thought and heaved himself off the floor.  
"Time to go Harry."

_I confiscated the Map off Harry last night. I have no idea how he got it. I know Filch had it back when I was at school. He'd confiscated it off James one day when he'd caught him doing… well, something. James never told us the full story, only that Filch had got the Map.  
I felt embarrassed when I saw that Map, and I probably got more angry with Harry that I should have done. But had Sirius got that Map, it would have led him straight to him._

Remus stared at the Map, watching the dots move around hurriedly. He remembered how long it took them to make it, but it gave him little satisfaction now.  
He gazed out of the window. It would be full moon soon, and Severus was due with his Wolfsbane Potion any moment.  
Scurrying dots on the Map drew his attention back to it and he watched, fascinated as he saw Sirius Black's name dart across the parchment. He gave a silent gasp as he recognised another name.  
Peter Pettigrew.  
Without a second thought, he was racing out the door, down towards the Whomping Willow.

_It's over.  
All over.  
I've resigned. I may have lost my job, but I have gained so much more.  
My memory of last night is very sketchy. Sirius was there. He didn't betray Lily and James. It was Peter.  
I'd known Sirius was Lily and James' Secret Keeper. We all did. That's why he was chased after they… after that night.  
What we didn't know was that he'd persuaded Lily and James to change their Secret Keeper at the last minute. He never told anyone because we knew there was a spy in our midst. And it was Peter. Peter the spy, Peter the Secret Keeper.  
He's escaped now, but Sirius is free. I don't know what happened. Professor Dumbledore explained what happened after I transformed, but I don't think I understood all of it. I'm still reeling. The man I loved, the man I thought betrayed those closest to him, the man I hated… is free. And innocent._

"Sirius…" Remus croaked as he appeared in front of him.  
"Moony. I should have told you." Sirius staggered and dropped to his knees. Remus held out his hand and pulled him back to his feet. They sat down together on the sofa.  
"I think I understand Sirius."  
"I knew you weren't the spy Moony, really I did. I just couldn't take any chances." He said hoarsely.  
"I know Sirius. I… I forgive you. If you can forgive me for hating you for so long? If I'd have found you before Peter…" he trailed off, staring into the fireplace, anywhere but at Sirius. He flinched as he felt Sirius' hand cover his own; dry lips brushing against the tips of his fingers, a gesture so reminiscent of twelve years ago that Remus let out a sob.  
"Love you Moony."  
"Love you Sirius." He echoed.

_We talked for hours. About what had happened. I think we've got things sorted. I don't think things will ever be the same again. Too much has happened. But I'm happy that he's alive and innocent. He's gone into hiding now. I don't know when I'll see him again.  
But I know I will._

Remus raked a shaky hand through his hair. The memories were still vivid. The image of Sirius sitting in his living room, gaunt and bedraggled. Looking like Remus did after full moon. He smiled briefly. They'd spent that night wrapped in each other's arms; neither sleeping, each afraid that the other one wouldn't be there if they slept.  
A brief kiss was all they'd shared before Sirius disappeared the next morning. A kiss so needy and full of promises that Remus could still taste it. He raised a finger to his lips and sighed.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: This was going to be a continuous piece, right through to the (now) next chapter. But smut decided to make another appearance (wow!) and I couldn't end it the original way I was going to. So I ended up with this.  
And I just had to mention Tonks… I still love her character (and still want to play her in the next film!)  
Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_I couldn't believe it when Sirius turned up last night. We'd been writing to each other, but to actually see him again…  
Voldemort's back. And we're resurrecting the Order._

"Moony!" Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around Remus. "He's back… Harry saw him." He cried hoarsely.  
"But…" Remus started.  
"He's back Remus." Remus faltered at the use of his name, backing up and crumpling onto the sofa.  
"It can't be…"  
"It is." Sirius said with finality. "We've got to get the old group together. Can we stay here for the moment?" Remus looked around his worn room.  
"We've got no choice. At the moment, this is the only place no one knows about." He said wearily, leaning back. "It'll have to do."  
"For now." Said Sirius. "Dumbledore will make contact soon, and I have an idea for somewhere else to use." He shuddered briefly before continuing more brightly. "Got any food Moony? I'm starving."

_We've managed to contact most of the Order. Those that are left at any rate. Dumbledore told us what he wanted us all to do. We've got to keep an eye on Harry as well. Dumbledore thinks Voldemort will go after him first.  
And he agreed with Sirius' idea. We're going to use his parents' house for the headquarters. So we're going there tomorrow morning._

Sirius pushed open the door and took a deep breath before stepping inside. Remus followed him in, shutting the door behind him.  
"I hate being back here Moony. It's like…"  
"FILTH! BEGONE YOU FOUL SCUM! MUTANT! HOW DARE YOU BEFOUL THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS!" Remus covered his ears and winced at the noise.  
"Shut up you old hag!" Sirius yelled back, viciously closing the curtains over a portrait of an elderly woman. The screams continued for a while, muffled behind the curtains and Sirius dragged Remus into the kitchen.  
"What! What was that?" he asked after his ears had stopped ringing.  
"That was my dear old Mum." Sirius shrugged off the question and gazed distastefully around the room. "This is a mess. It's going to take some hard work to clean this place up."

_We've been cleaning for the last week, and it's getting near habitable. Arthur and his family are coming to stay tomorrow and give us some help._

"Keep your voices down." Remus pleaded quietly as soon as he opened the door. Molly Weasley nodded and they all followed Remus into the kitchen.  
"It's cleaner than it was Molly." Remus said, reading the look on her face.  
"Still needs a woman's touch." She said sniffing. "Where is he?"  
"Sirius is feeding Buckbeak at the moment. He'll be down soon. Tea anyone?"

By the time Sirius came down the stairs, Molly had started dinner and they were all sitting around the table quietly. Remus brightened as Sirius bounded into the room, coming to a halt behind Remus' chair and placing his hand on Remus' shoulder.  
"That smells wonderful Molly!"  
"Well, you two certainly look like you haven't eaten properly for weeks."  
"We've been busy." Sirius grinned widely, squeezing Remus' shoulder. Remus blushed.  
They certainly had been busy. In between snatches of cleaning, they had found more than enough time to rekindle their relationship.  
"Yes.. busy." He managed to squeak, ignoring Sirius' bark of laughter.  
"Arthur's recruited a new member." Molly said conversationally after Sirius had stopped laughing.  
"Oh?" Remus inquired, trying not to moan as Sirius started a gentle massage on his shoulders.  
"Nymphadora Tonks, or Tonks as she prefers to be known. Bright young girl; an Auror so she'll come in handy." Arthur explained.  
"Even if she is a little clumsy." Molly added in an exasperated tone. They all laughed and settled down to eat; Sirius squeezing in next to Remus, one hand resting on Remus' knee. Remus tried not to choke on his potatoes as Sirius' hand trailed up his leg, stopping to rest in his lap. A quick glance around the table told him no one else had noticed anything. He turned to Sirius, who gave him a suggestive wink.  
Remus did choke on his potatoes then, startling everyone at the table. Sirius thumped him on the back and he drew a deep breath.  
"Excuse me please." He said hurriedly, standing up and rushing from the kitchen.

He stood awkwardly in the bedroom he and Sirius shared, trying to calm himself down.  
"I hate it when he does that." He muttered.  
"When I do what?" asked Sirius, draping his arms around Remus' waist, his fingers just brushing the bulge in Remus' trousers.  
"Ah… that…" he hissed, leaning his head back against Sirius' shoulder.  
"I ought to stop then." Sirius breathed, a trace of mirth in his voice.  
"Oh no you don't." Remus said, twisting round to face Sirius and kissing him. He ground against Sirius, fingers tangling in the long dark hair. Sirius pulled him across to the bed, where Remus promptly pushed him flat on his back before straddling him and ripping his shirt apart.  
"Damn Moony, I forget how you are near full moon." Sirius gasped, squirming as Remus licked his way down his chest. Remus ignored him and carried on mapping out his body. He yanked Sirius' trousers down and growled low as Sirius arched up. Fastening his mouth around Sirius' erection, he growled again making Sirius buck once more. Remus didn't take too long preparing him, but he did prepare him before flipping Sirius onto his front, pulling him up onto his knees and thrusting into him.  
Sirius groaned with need and pushed back against Remus, who thrust again, holding onto Sirius' hips and setting up a punishing rhythm; slamming into Sirius again and again before he came. Moments after, Sirius came, moaning Remus' name before collapsing on the bed. Remus slumped next to him, panting heavily.  
"Sorry."  
"Nothing to be sorry for Moony."  
"Full moon always brings out the animal in me."  
"Doesn't it just!" Sirius laughed, wincing slightly. Remus twisted to face him.  
"Did I hurt you?"  
"No, you didn't. I'll be fine."  
"Love you Sirius."  
"Love you too Moony."

_I'm glad I didn't hurt him. Things are easier between us now. Although, it'll be difficult soon. Harry's in trouble. Dumbledore is sorting it out, but we're going to get Harry soon. He'll be coming here, and I don't know how he's going to react._

Remus snorted and put the diary down. He'd forgotten how aggressive he could get before a full moon.  
Not that Sirius ever minded.  
He laughed out loud and stretched, rubbing tired eyes before picking up his diary again.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Some of the lines in this chapter are taken almost directly from the book, so I thank JK for her wonderful words. Why bother trying to find words of my own, when hers tell the story just as well?  
And didn't you wonder why it was Remus couldn't keep his eyes off Sirius? Oh, the slash connotations in OotP!  
Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_We went to collect Harry last night. There were a fair few of us. Sirius practically pushed me out the door to get him. He's gotten so impatient the last few days. It's probably because he can't leave the house. And he hates being stuck here. I try my best to distract him when I'm here, but Dumbledore's got me doing more and more work for the Order. And I don't think I'm distracting him enough._

"I'm surprised at you Harry." Sirius started after they'd finished dinner. Remus lowered his glass and stared at Sirius, blanking out much of the conversation as he gazed at him.  
"The bit about telling Harry more than he needs to know!" Remus flinched as Molly spoke the words, still focussing on Sirius, dreading what could come next.  
"I don't intend to tell him more than he needs to know." Sirius said hotly.  
"He's not James, Sirius!" Remus held his breath as Molly shouted.  
"Personally," he said quietly, looking away from Sirius at last to face Molly. "I think its better Harry gets the facts from us." Remus was no longer sure what facts he was talking about. Molly and Sirius continued arguing.  
"Molly, you are not the only person here who cares about Harry." He said sharply, catching Sirius beginning to rise out of his chair. "Sirius, sit down." Sirius sank back in to his chair, and a stillness descended on the room.

_We answered as many of Harry's questions about the Order as we could. But he still had more questions… just not about the Order._

"What's going on Professor?" Harry asked in an undertone. Remus turned to face him, one hand on the banisters, his expression mild.  
"What do you mean Harry?" he asked, trying to keep the fearful tone out of his voice.  
"You couldn't keep your eyes off him. I saw." Harry said accusingly. Remus sighed.  
"You're as perceptive as your father." He said quietly. "Come with me." He led Harry up the stairs and into his and Sirius' bedroom; the evidence of their cohabitation clearly visible around the room. Sirius was stretched out on the bed, staring moodily at the wall. He looked up and smiled as Remus entered the room.  
"I've been waiting for you Moony." His face fell as Harry stepped out from behind Remus. "Harry…"  
"He knows Sirius." Remus said heavily, sitting down on the edge of the bed and indicating a chair to Harry. Harry sat down and repeated his question.  
"What's going on?"  
"What do you mean Harry?" Sirius echoed what Remus had said.  
"He couldn't keep his eyes off you after dinner!" Harry said hotly.  
"Ah…" Sirius paused and crawled up the bed until he was sitting just behind Remus. "We're lovers." He continued simply, wrapping his arms around Remus. Harry blanched and Remus blushed, lowering his head.  
"But… but…"  
"It started when we were at school. In fact," Sirius' face twisted into a smile. "If it hadn't been for your father, I might never have found out how Moony felt."  
"There's nothing wrong with it Harry." Remus said quietly, looking up and meeting Harry's eyes. Harry sagged back in his chair.  
"I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. It's just you never told me! I'm the last one to know again!" he shouted at the pair of them before storming from the room. Remus flinched.  
"I'll go after him." Sirius muttered, giving Remus' hand a gentle squeeze before hurrying after Harry. Remus flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

He felt Sirius lie down beside him hours later.  
"Well?" he croaked, not knowing whether he wanted to know the answer.  
"He was telling the truth Moony. He doesn't have a problem with us." Remus breathed a sigh of relief and curled up against Sirius.  
"I was worried that we'd…" Sirius cut him off.  
"Remember what I told you at school Moony? I love you and I don't care who knows it!"

_Harry doesn't care. I don't think Sirius realised how worried I was. He dotes on that boy, and the thought that he might disapprove… well, it was killing me.  
But he doesn't mind.  
And Sirius loves me.  
If Voldemort wasn't around, everything would be all right in my world._

Remus smiled softly in the darkness. He remembered the anguished pain he'd felt, worried about how Harry would react. And the joy when he realised Harry didn't mind; he'd just been upset at being kept in the dark about yet another thing.  
The only thing he had minded was walking in on them in the kitchen. They had only been kissing; Remus sitting on the table, Sirius standing in front of him, Remus' legs wrapped around his.  
Remus laughed. It had been hard to tell who was more horrified, him or Harry. Sirius had just laughed as Harry backed out stammering an apology.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Some of the lines in this chapter are taken almost directly from the book, so I thank JK for her wonderful words. Why bother trying to find words of my own, when hers tell the story just as well?  
I couldn't resist this one… the image of this one is far too cute and I just had to try and work it in to my story. Also thanks to Estelle for persuading me to try it!  
For those in the know, the scene is from OotP, where Harry calls in for a chat with Sirius about his father.  
Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_Harry poked his head in this afternoon. Literally._

Remus jumped as Sirius' name was called. He looked around wildly before focussing on the fireplace.  
"Harry?" he asked, shocked. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing. I... I just fancied a chat with Sirius." Harry said.  
"I'll call him. He's upstairs…" Remus trailed off and got to his feet. Hurrying out of the kitchen, he raced upstairs and into their bedroom, stopping short at the sigh of Sirius. He was lying, dozing on the bed, naked. Unsurprisingly considering what they'd just spent the last few hours doing. 'Nothing like taking advantage of an empty house.' Sirius had said.  
Sirius opened one eye and smiled at Remus.  
"Back for more?" Remus laughed nervously.  
"You know I have to leave tonight. It's Harry." Sirius sat bolt upright.  
"What's wrong? Is he okay?"  
"He's fine. He just wants a chat. He's in the fire now." He turned and dashed downstairs, Sirius grabbing a robe and hurrying after him.

_Harry talked about one of Snapes' memories. Well, a memory of us when we were at school. It wasn't a good memory. Sirius and James were teasing Severus, just after our OWL on Defence Against the Dark Arts.  
It made Sirius smile though._

"I'd forgotten he used to do that." Sirius spoke suddenly, breaking the companionable silence that had settled. Remus raised his head from Sirius' shoulder.  
"Do what?" he asked sleepily.  
"The hair thing."  
"You both used to do it. I remember the way your hair always used to fall in your eyes."  
"Bloody irritating, that's what it was." Sirius said with a smile.  
"I thought it was rather attractive." Remus admitted, rolling on to his back.  
"You have to leave." Sirius stated flatly.  
"Soon." Remus conceded. "But this won't take long. I'll be back before you know it." He added, sitting up. They both stared at each other for long moments, recalling the last time those words had been spoken. Sirius sat up slowly.  
"You'd best go Moony." Remus nodded, not quite knowing what to think. He dressed quickly and kissed Sirius before he left the room.  
"I will be back Sirius." Sirius just nodded and watched him leave, his expression unreadable.

_I hate leaving him alone in the house. I wish there were ways I could do what Dumbledore asks without leaving the house.  
Without leaving Sirius._

Remus staggered in early the next morning, yawning.  
"Morning Moony." Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a bottle of Butterbeer. "You look like hell." He observed.  
"So do you." Remus shot back, sinking into a chair.  
"I haven't slept all night." Sirius shrugged.  
"Bed?"  
"Bed."

_As much as I hate leaving him, I love coming back to him._

Remus yawned. They hadn't gotten much sleep that morning. Sure, they'd gone to bed, but their bodies had had other ideas.  
Remus laughed. He remembered the other Order members coming for a meeting and commenting on how tired they both looked.

He may not have Sirius anymore, but he had the memories they made together.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Some of the lines in this chapter are taken almost directly from the book, so I thank JK for her wonderful words. Why bother trying to find words of my own, when hers tell the story just as well?  
Feedback makes friends.  
_Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

_He's gone…_

Remus stared down at the words he'd written that night. Somehow, now, they seemed inadequate, but it was all he'd been able to write then. He hadn't had the strength to write anymore.  
The sense of loss overwhelmed him again and the diary fell out of his trembling hands. It dropped to the floor, but he didn't notice. All he could see was Sirius falling. He could hear Harry screaming Sirius' name. Then Sirius was gone.  
He had stared at the veil for what seemed like an age before Harry rushed past him howling. Instinctively he'd grabbed Harry around the waist.  
"There's nothing you can do Harry – it's too late."  
"There's nothing you can do, Harry… nothing… he's gone."  
As he relived the memory, Remus swore he could feel his heart breaking again.  
"He can't come back Harry." He'd said, his voice breaking.  
He remembered lifting the spell on Neville. He felt worse than he did after full moon. He turned his back on the archway.  
"Let's – let's find the others. Where are they all Neville?" He had to get out of this room. He had to get away from the archway. It hurt still being here. Remus sank to the floor as Harry pulled away from him and ran out after Bellatrix Lestrange.  
He couldn't remember much of what had happened after that. It was like his mind went on vacation, leaving his body alone to come. All he could feel was numbing grief.

"Lupin! You in there? It's almost time." Remus looked up as he heard Moody call through the door, quickly wiping his eyes.  
"I… I'm here." He called back softly, getting to his feet. He ran his hands through his hair before opening the door, hoping perhaps to give the impression he'd been sleeping.  
"There you are Lupin." Moody said gruffly, looking him up and down. "Let's go meet Harry." He clapped his hand to Remus' shoulder and pushed him along in front of him.  
Remus sighed. They'd all been taking it in turns to keep him company, as though afraid of what he might do were he left alone too long.  
"Oh, you don't half look pale, Remus." Tonks exclaimed as he walked out to meet them. He gave a wan smile.  
"Full moon soon." He muttered; glad for the first time in his life he had that excuse. At least it would stop them asking more questions.  
"All right." She smiled brightly. "Well, let's be off then, right Mad-Eye?" Remus heard Moody grunt from behind him and sighed again.

They waited anxiously on the platform for Harry to appear through the barrier. Remus was wishing he was anywhere but here when Tonks nudged him.  
"There he is."

"What are you all doing here?" Harry asked.  
"Well, we though we should have a little chat with your aunt and uncle." Remus explained. He fell silent, letting the others do most of the talking; stepping in to assure the Dursley's that they would hear about Harry suffering.

"Take care Harry. Keep in touch." He said quietly, watching as Harry left the platform.  
"Come on Remus, let's go home." Tonks pulled at his coat to get his attention. He dragged his eyes away from Harry, the last living reminder of all that he had lost and sighed.  
"Home?"

He wasn't sure where home was anymore. It was wherever Sirius was. That was how it had always been.  
But there was no more Sirius.

Remus curled up on the floor next to his diary, exhausted. He didn't have the strength to do anything. He just watched as the breeze from the open window made the pages of the diary flutter and wept.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: As per usual, the good things in life are not mine to have, but belong to someone else... in this case, the wonderful JK Rowling and all associated parties (including Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, Warner Bros. Inc.)  
Authors Note: Feedback makes friends. _Italics_ are diary entries.

* * *

Remus wasn't sure how long he'd been lying there. It was long enough, he thought ruefully as he sat up, stretching his aching muscles. He gazed around the dimly lit room, his eyes falling on his diary.  
"Memories are all well and good, but they don't bring him back." He mused to himself, pulling the diary towards him. He rifled gently through the pages, thinking about all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) memories stored within the pages. He passed his last entry, staring down at the blank pages waiting to be filled with his thoughts and feelings.  
He almost dropped the diary when he saw writing near the end. He strained to read it in the darkness, the handwriting almost as familiar as his own.

_I'm sorry Moony.  
But I couldn't help myself.  
I've watched you write in this thing for years, never knowing what you were writing.  
Now I know, and as most of it's about me, I thought I ought to leave my own memory for you.  
I remember the first time I saw you, on the train to Hogwarts in our first year, remember? You were lost and wandered in to the compartment me and James were sharing.  
You may have got lost, but you found your way straight into my heart. _

There are many things I've done that I'm ashamed of. But the one thing, the only thing that makes me proud is us. You.  
Being with you has kept me strong through some of my darkest times. And I swear I'm going to be there for any dark moments you have Moony.  
I'll always be there for you.

Love you Moony. 

"Love you Sirius." Remus echoed the writing on the page before closing his diary.


End file.
